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As a busy person, I had a hard
time getting down to a baby's level enjoying unstructured, seemingly
unproductive play. After all, I had so many "more important" things
on my agenda. Once I realized how much we both could benefit, this special time
became meaningful. Play became therapeutic for me. I needed time away from
some of those other things to focus on this important little person who was,
without realizing it, teaching me to relax. Play helped me to get to know
Matthew's temperament and his capabilities at each stage of development. The
child reveals himself to the parent—and vice versa— during play; the whole
relationship benefits greatly. Playtime puts us on our child's level, helping
parents get behind the eyes and into the mind of their child. Take time to
enjoy the simple pleasures of play.
Play is an investment
Consider playtime one of your
best investments. You may feel that you are "wasting time" stacking
blocks when you could be "doing something" instead. Some adults
panic at the thought and really have to struggle to be able to let go of
their grown-up agenda. Of course, you don't have to play all day long, nor
will your child want you to (unless he senses your resistance!). What may
seem like a meaningless activity to you, means a lot to your baby. The more
interest you show in doing things with your baby early on, the more interest
your child will have in doing things with you when he's older. As your child
grows, you can involve him in your play and your work, since being with you
is the best reward. Think of it this way—you are doing the most important job
in the world—raising a human being.
5.
ADDRESS YOUR CHILD BY NAME
What's in a name? The person, the
self—little or big. I can still remember my grandfather impressing on me the
value of using and remembering peoples' names. This lesson has proved
profitable. One year I was a pre-med student competing with a bunch of
marketing majors for a summer sales job. After I landed the job I inquired
why I, though less qualified, had been hired. "Because you remembered
and used the names of all of your interviewers." Addressing your child
by name, especially when accompanied by eye contact and touch, exudes a
"you're special" message. Beginning an interaction by using the
other person's name opens doors, breaks barriers, and even softens corrective
discipline.
Children learn to associate how
you use their name with the message you have and the behavior you expect.
Parents often use a child's nickname or first name only in casual dialogue,
"Jimmy, I like what you are doing." They beef up the message by
using the full name to make a deeper impression, "James Michael Sears,
stop that!" one child we've heard about refers to his whole name as his
"mad name" because that's what he hears when his parents are angry
at him. We have noticed that children with self-confidence more frequently
address their peers and adults by name or title. Their own self-worth allows
them to be more direct in their communication with others. Our two-year-old
Lauren dashes by my desk chirping: "Hi, Dad!" The addition of
"Dad" impressed me more than an impersonal "Hi!" A
school-age child who is comfortable addressing adults by name will be better
able to ask for help when needed.
6.
PRACTICE THE CARRY-OVER PRINCIPLE
As your child gets older,
encourage her talents. She can do well at something, whether as a
two-year-old who packs exceptional pretend picnics or a ten-year- old who
loves ballet. Over the years, we've noticed a phenomenon we call the
carryover principle: enjoying one activity boosts a child's self-image, and
this carries over into other endeavors. One of our sons is a natural athlete,
but he wasn't interested in academics. Operating on the carryover principle,
we encouraged his enjoyment of athletics while supporting him as he worked on
the academics. The schoolwork improved as his overall self-confidence
increased. Recognize your child's special talents, and help her build on
them, then watch the whole person blossom.
7. SET
YOUR CHILD UP TO SUCCEED
Helping your child develop
talents and acquire skills is part of discipline. If you recognize an ability
in your child that he doesn't, encourage him. Strike a balance between
pushing and protecting. Both are necessary. If you don't encourage your child
to try, his skills don't improve, and you've lost a valuable confidence
builder. If you don't protect your child from unrealistic expectations, his
sense of competence is threatened.
Beware of value-by-comparisons
Children measure their own value
by how they perceive others value them. And in our measuring-and-testing
society, children's skills—and therefore their value—are measured relative to
others. Your child may bat an exceptional .400 on the softball team, but she
will feel inadequate if her teammates are batting .500. Be sure your child
believes you value her because of who she is, not how she performs. Do this
by giving her plenty of eye contact, touching, and focused attention. In
other words, give of yourself regardless of how the game or the achievement
test turns out.
Don't expect your child to excel
in sports or music or academics just because you did. The one thing your
child can excel in is being herself. She must know that your love for her
does not depend on your approval of her performance. That's a tough assignment
for a parent who may have been raised to perform for love and acceptance.
WALL OF FAME
In our Sears' family gallery of
accomplishments, our walls display Hayden's cheerleading trophies, Erin's
horse ribbons, Matthew's Little League pictures, etc. Every child is good at
something. Discover it, encourage it, frame it, and display it. If your home
is missing this wall, your child is missing his moment of fame. If you have a
child who is not athletic, try scouting. With Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts everyone
wins and everyone gets lots of badges. As children walk by their showcase,
they can see at a glance five to ten years of achievement. This gives them a
lift, especially during times when their self- worth is faltering.
8.HELP
YOUR CHILD BE HOME-WISE BEFORE STREET-SMARTS
Sometime during your parenting
career you may run into the idea that a young child should be exposed to
children with different values so that he can choose for himself. This may
sound good, or at least politically correct, but it just plain doesn't work.
It's like sending a ship to sea without a rudder or a captain. Only by chance
will that ship reach a desirable destination. Children are too valuable to be
left to chance.
Screen your child's friends
The child's values and
self-concept are affected by persons of significance in his life— relatives,
coaches, teachers, religious leaders, scout leaders, and friends. It's up to
the parents to screen out those who pull down the child's character and
encourage those that build it. Keep a watchful eye on your child's
friendships. First, let your child choose his own friends and monitor the
relationships. At the end of a play experience examine your child's feelings.
Is he at peace or upset? Are the children compatible? Coupling a passive
person with a strong personality is all right if the stronger child pulls
your child up rather than knocking him down.
While some children will wisely
seek out complimentary playmates on their own, sometimes it is helpful to set
up your child by purposely exposing him to appropriate peers. Some groups of
children just naturally seem to get along well. If your child's group does
not seem to have the right chemistry, it would be wise to intervene. By being
a monitoring mom, Martha was able to come to the rescue of one of our
children who was being intimidated and blackmailed into stealing money from
us. This junior racketeer in the neighborhood was busted because Martha
became suspicious of certain phone calls and listened in one day. Our
frightened seven-year-old was in way over his head and was greatly relieved
when we intervened.
Keep a kid-friendly home
Make your home inviting to your
child's friends. Yes, you will have more messes to clean up, but it's worth
it. Hosting the neighborhood helps you monitor your child; it gives you the
opportunity to observe your child's social style and generally learn more
about your child's personality—which social behaviors are appropriate and
which need improving. You'll be able to make on-the-spot disciplinary
interventions, either with your child in a private lesson or in group therapy
if the whole pack needs some redirecting.
The roots of a young child's
self-concept come from home and nurturing caregivers. After six years of age,
peer influence becomes increasingly important. The deeper the roots of
home-grown self-confidence, the better equipped kids are to interact with
peers in a way that builds up self-worth rather than tearing it down. They
know how to handle peers who are fun to play with and those that give them
problems. When children are attachment parented, they are well equipped to
manage different environments (home, grandparents, preschool, Sunday school)
with different rules very well. For healthy social development, a child first
must be comfortable with himself before he can be comfortable with others.
Clinging to homebase
In normal development a child
moves out from the known into the unknown. She tries out new experiences in
much the same way that an attached infant learns to separate from mother. It
is quite normal for a child to retreat periodically into the comfort of the
known (her home and family) as she progressively ventures into the jungle of
the unknown. It is important for the child to have a strong attachment base.
Being shy does not mean that a child has a poor self-image. She needs an
extra dose of confidence so that she can follow her own inner timetable in
adjusting to new situations and relationships. Parents often wonder what
degree of clinging to homebase is normal. Look at the problem over the course
of an entire year. If you see no change in the child's willingness to venture
out, that may be unhealthy. But if you see some gradual moving out, then your
child is simply a cautious social developer, which is characteristic of
sensitive children, who may form a few meaningful and deep relationships,
rather than numerous superficial ones.
9.
Lose labels
"I'm asthmatic,"
seven-year-old Greg proudly said to me when I inquired why he came to my
office. Indeed, Greg did have asthma, but the physical problem was much
easier to treat than the emotional side effects of his label. A few puffs of
a bronchial dilator and his wheezing cleared, but his label persisted. I
mentioned privately to Greg's mother that there are two issues to address in
any child with a chronic illness: the problem itself, and the child's and family's
reactions to the problem.
Every child searches for an
identity and, when found, clings to it like a trademark.
"Asthmatic" had become Greg's label, and he wore it often. His
whole day revolved around his ailment, and his family focused on this part of
Greg instead of on the whole person. Instead of feeling compassion, Greg's
brothers and sisters had become tired of planning their lives around Greg's
asthma. They couldn't go on certain trips because Greg might get too tired.
It became a family illness, and all, except Greg, were put into roles they
didn't like.
To take away Greg's label would
be to take away Greg's self-esteem. So, we made a deal. I would treat Greg's
asthma; the family would enjoy Greg, and we all worked at giving "the
asthmatic" a healthier label to wear.
10.
MONITOR SCHOOL INFLUENCES ON YOUR CHILD
Schools can be hazardous to a
child's emotional health. School choice (if you have one) needs to be
carefully considered. The connected child who enters the school arena with
peers from various upbringings
and degrees of attachment will have a set of expectations that he may not
find at school. Children meet the challenges of a new social group with
different behaviors. If a child is securely attached to his caregivers and
armed with a strong self-image, he may not be disturbed by these different
behaviors. He may stick cheerfully to his own style of play. Or, he may be
frustrated, creating stress on his emerging personality. If his
self-confidence is shaky, a child may view aggressiveness or bullying as
normal and make these behaviors part of himself or allow himself to be
victimized.
Around age six, when your child
begins elementary school, other adults become influential in her life. These
are people who are around your child enough to influence her behavior and
model values. Once upon a time persons of significance in a child's life came
primarily from within the extended family, but in today's mobile society a
child is likely to have a wider variety of peers and persons of significance.
This means that today's parents need to be vigilant as to who is modeling
what behavior to their children. Here is where there is confusion in the
ranks of parents as disciplinarians. There are two extremes. On the one side
are the parents who feel it's healthy for children to experience a lot of
different value systems while growing up so that they will be more
open-minded as adults. On the other side are parents who want to protect
their child from all outside influences and any ideas that may differ from
their own beliefs. This child grows up in a bubble-like atmosphere.
Somewhere between these two
extremes is the right answer for your child. Throwing a child into the
melting pot of diverse values at too young an age, before she has any of her
own values, may produce a child who is so confused that she develops no
conscience and no standing value system. Parents who overprotect may end up
with a child who cannot think for herself, leaving her vulnerable to
challenges or so judgmental that she condemns anyone with different beliefs.
Somewhere in the middle is the parent who grounds the child in a firm value
system and guides her as she encounters other value systems. The child,
because she has a strong value system to begin with, is better able to weigh
her parents' value system against alternatives and develop her own firm code
of values. It may be different from the parents'. It may include many of the
parents' values with a sprinkling of alternatives learned from peers or
teachers. But the important thing is that the child has a value system from
which to operate. He is not a leaf hurried downstream in the river that takes
the path of least resistance, overflows its bounds, and eventually drains
into a large sea of uncertainty. Many children flounder, sometimes for the
rest of their lives, searching for values that should have been formed in
infancy and early childhood.
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