"12 WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD BUILD SELF-CONFIDENCE"
12 WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD BUILD SELF-CONFIDENCE
Self-esteem
is your child's passport to lifetime mental health and social happiness
It's
the foundation of a child's well-being and the key to success as an adult. At
all ages, how you feel about yourself affects how you act. Think about a time
when you were feeling really good about yourself. You probably found it much
easier to get along with others and feel good about them.
Self-image
is how one perceives oneself
The
child looks in the mirror and likes the person he sees. He looks inside himself
and is comfortable with the person he sees. He must think of this self as being
someone who can make things happen and who is worthy of love. Parents are the
main source of a child's sense of self-worth.
Lack
of a good self-image very often leads to behavior problems
Most
of the behavioral problems that I see for counseling come from poor self-worth
in parents as well as children. Why is one person a delight to be with, while
another always seems to drag you down? How people value themselves, get along
with others, perform at school, achieve at work, and relate in marriage, all
stem from strength of their self-image.
Healthy
self-worth doesn't mean being narcissistic or arrogant;
it
means having a realistic understanding of one's strengths and weaknesses,
enjoying the strengths and working on the problem areas. Because there is such
a strong parallel between how a person feels about himself and how a person
acts, helping your child build self-confidence is vital to discipline.
Throughout
life your child will be exposed to positive influences builders and negative
influences breakers. Parents can expose their child to more builders and help
him work through the breakers.
1. PRACTICE ATTACHMENT PARENTING
Put
yourself in the place of a baby who spends many hours a day in a caregiver's
arms, is worn in a sling, breastfed on cue, and her cries are sensitively
responded to. How do you imagine this baby feels?
This
baby feels loved; this baby feels valuable. Ever had a special day when you got
lots of strokes and showered with praise? You probably felt like queen for a
day and hopefully you behaved accordingly. The infant on the receiving end of
this high-touch style of parenting develops self-worth. She likes what she
feels.
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Responsiveness
is the key to infant self-value. Baby gives a cue, for example, crying to be
fed or comforted. A caregiver responds promptly and consistently. As this
cue-response pattern is repeated many hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times
during the first year baby learns that her cues have meaning: "Someone
listens to me, therefore, I am worthwhile."
A stronger self emerges.
Of
course, you can't always respond promptly or consistently. It's the
predominant pattern that counts. You will have days when you are short on
patience. Babies pick out the prevailing parenting style and form
impressions. As baby gets older it becomes important for him to learn how to
deal with healthy frustration, as this will teach him to adjust to change.
The important thing is that you are there for him; that's the message on
which baby builds his sense of self.
The
confidence-building aspects that result from attachment-parenting pay off
especially with high-need babies. Because of these infants' more intense
demands, they are at higher risk of receiving negative responses. When
attachment parenting produces mutual sensitivity between connected parents
and high-need babies, they learn to see themselves in a good light.
Because
of responsive nurturing, the connected baby knows what to expect. On the
other hand, the disconnected child is confused. If his needs are not met and
his cues unanswered, he feels that signals are not worth giving. This leads
to the conclusion that "I'm not worthwhile. I'm at the mercy of others,
and there's nothing I can do to reach them."
We
emphasize the importance of early nurturing because during the first two
years the baby's brain is growing very fast. This is the period when a baby
develops patterns of associations – mental models of the way things work. The
developing infant's mind is like a file drawer. In each file is a mental
picture of a cue she gives along with the response she expects. After a
certain interaction, the baby stores a mental image of what happened. For
example, baby raises her arms and a parent responds by picking her up.
Repetition deepens these patterns in the infant's mind, and eventually
emotions, positive or negative, become associated with them. A file drawer
full of mostly positive feelings and images leads to a feeling of
"rightness." Her sense of "well-being" becomes part of
baby's self.
Infants
who get used to the feeling of well-being they get from attachment parenting
spend the rest of their lives striving to keep this feeling. Because they
have so much practice at feeling good, they can regain this right feeling
after temporary interruptions. These secure infants cope better with life's
setbacks because they are motivated to repair their sense of well-being,
which has become integrated into their sense of self. They may fall down a
lot, but they are likely to wind up back on their feet. This concept is
especially true for a child who is handicapped or seems to come into this
world relatively short-changed in natural talents. Children who do not have
this early sense of well-being struggle to find it, but they are unsure of
what they are looking for because they don't know how it feels. This explains
why some babies who get attachment parenting in the early years manage well
despite an unsettled childhood because of family problems. Consider the
famous case of Baby Jessica, the two-year-old who because of a legal quirk
was taken from the familiar and nurturing home of her adoptive parents whom
she had known since birth, and given to her biological parents who were
strangers to her. She is likely to thrive because she entered a strange situation
with a strong sense of well-being created by early nurturing. She will spend
the rest of her life maintaining that feeling despite the trauma she endured.
Playing
catch-up
But
what if I didn't practice all those attachment styles of parenting, you may
wonder? Don't be too hard on yourself. Babies are resilient and, of course,
it's never too late to start building up your child's self-image. Getting to
know your child and seeing things from his point of view will help you help
him learn to trust himself. This kind of nurturing cements together the
blocks of self-worth, and can also repair them. Still, the earlier the cement
is applied, the smoother it goes on and the stronger it sticks.
2. IMPROVE YOUR OWN SELF-CONFIDENCE
Parenting
is therapeutic. In caring for your child you often heal yourself. A mother
with a high-need baby in our practice once declared, "My baby brings out
the best and the worst in me." If there are problems in your past that
affect your present parenting, confront them. Get psychological help if they
are interfering with your ability to remain calm and parent effectively.
Heal
your past
A
child's self-esteem is acquired, not inherited. Certain parenting traits and
certain character traits, such as anger and fearfulness, are learned in each
generation. Having a baby gives you the chance to become the parent you wish
you had. If you suffer from low self-confidence, especially if you feel it's
a result of how you were parented, take steps to heal yourself and break the
family pattern. Try this exercise (therapists call this "passing on the
best, and discarding the rest")
List the specific things your parents did
to build your self-image.
List the specific things your parents did
to weaken your self-image.
Now resolve to emulate the good things your
parents did and avoid the rest. If you find it difficult to follow through
with this exercise on your own, get help from a professional. Both you and
your child will benefit.
Don't
be too hard on your parents
They
probably did the best they could given their circumstances and the prevailing
advice of the times. I remember once hearing a grandmother say to a mother,
"I was a good mother to you. I followed exactly the schedule the doctor
gave me." This new mother felt that some of her present problems stemmed
from the rigid scheduling that she endured when she was a baby. She was
determined to learn to read her baby's cues. I reminded her not to blame her
own mother because the prevailing parenting practice at the time was to
follow the "experts'" advice on childrearing. The mother of the
90's, however, is more comfortable becoming the expert on her own child.
Polish
your mirror
No
one can put on a happy face all the time, but a parent's unhappiness can
transfer to a child. Your child looks to you as a mirror for his own
feelings. If you are worried, you can't reflect good feelings. In the early
years, a child's concept of self is so intimately tied up with the mother's
concept of herself that a sort of mutual self-worth building goes on. What
image do you reflect to your child? She will see through a false facade to
the troubled person beneath. Matthew, on a fill-in-the-blanks tribute to his
mother, wrote: "I like being with my mother most when she's happy."
Children translate your unhappiness with yourself to mean unhappiness with
them. Even infants know they are supposed to please their parents. As they
get older, they may even come to feel responsible for their parents'
happiness. If you are not content, they must not be good (or good enough). If
you are experiencing serious problems with depression or anxiety, seek help
so that you can resolve these feelings before they affect your child.
3. BE A POSITIVE MIRROR
Much
of a child's self-image comes not only from what the child perceives about
herself, but from how she thinks others perceive her. This is especially true
of preschoolers who learn about themselves from their parents' reactions. Do
you reflect positive or negative images to your child? Do you give her the
idea that she's fun to be with? That her opinions and desires matter to you?
That her behavior pleases you?
When
you give your child positive reflections, he learns to think well of himself.
He will also willingly rely on you to tell him when his behavior is not
pleasing. This becomes a discipline tool. "All I have to do is look at
her a certain way, and she stops misbehaving," said one mother. She had
saturated her child's self awareness with positive feelings, and the
youngster was used to the way he felt being on the receiving end of these
strokes. When mother flashed a negative reflection, the child didn't like the
feeling it produced. He changed his behavior quickly to regain his sense of
well-being.
Be
realistic
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You
can't be up and smiling all the time and still be human. Your child should know
that parents have down days, too. Children can see through fake cheerfulness.
Your sensitivity toward him will increase his sensitivity toward you, and
someday he may be the one lifting your self- confidence.
Putting
Humpty-Dumpty Back Together Again
You
spend the early years building your child's self-confidence. You spend the
later years protecting it. Many thin-skinned children need protection from
situations they find overwhelming. I was examining five-year-old Thomas for his
school-entry physical. Thomas was a sensitive child whose mother had spent
years helping him build a strong sense of self-worth. We were engaged in a
philosophical discussion of the long-term benefits of attachment parenting and
Thomas was understandably bored. He began hanging on my scale—an expensive
scale that is built into the top of the examining table. My first thought was
the safety of my table. To me it was more at risk than Thomas, so I firmly
asked, "Thomas, would you please stop hanging on the scale?" Just as
Thomas was about to crumble from my unintended put-down, his mother interjected
a saving, "...because you're so strong." She knows how to get behind
the eyes of her child.
4. PLAY WITH YOUR CHILD
You
will learn a lot about your child—and yourself—during play. Playtime gives your
child the message "You are worth my time. You are a valuable person."
It is well known that children learn through play. It improves a child's
behavior by giving him feelings of importance and accomplishment. Instead of
viewing playtime as a chore, use it to make an investment in your child's
behavior.
Let
your child initiate the play
A
valuable learning principle that parents should keep in mind is this: an
activity initiated by the child holds the child's attention longer than one
suggested by the adult playmate. More learning takes place when the child
chooses what to do. Child-initiated play also increases self-worth: "Dad
likes to do the things I do!" of course, you may be thinking, "oh no,
not the block game again!" or "We've read that story twenty
times!" That's the ordeal of parenting. You'll get bored with The Cat in
the Hat long before your child. If you want to bring something new to the same
old play activity, add your own new twists as the play continues. Stop to talk
about the book: "What would you do if the Cat in the Hat came to our
door?" "Let's turn this block tower into a parking garage."
Make
your child feel special
During
play, focus your attention on the child. If your body is with your child but
your mind is at work, your child will sense that you have tuned out, and
neither one of you benefits from the time together. Your child loses the value
of your being with her, concluding that she is not important. You lose the
opportunity to learn about and enjoy your child—and to relearn how to play. I
remember the fun six-month-old Matthew and I had in our "play
circle." I sat him facing in front of me with a few favorite toys (mine
and his) making a circle around him with my legs. This space contained him and
provided support in case he, as a beginning sitter, started to topple sideways.
Matthew had my undivided attention. He felt special and so did I. Making all
those goofy baby noises is fun.
Parents
need play
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As a busy person, I had a hard
time getting down to a baby's level enjoying unstructured, seemingly
unproductive play. After all, I had so many "more important" things
on my agenda. Once I realized how much we both could benefit, this special time
became meaningful. Play became therapeutic for me. I needed time away from
some of those other things to focus on this important little person who was,
without realizing it, teaching me to relax. Play helped me to get to know
Matthew's temperament and his capabilities at each stage of development. The
child reveals himself to the parent—and vice versa— during play; the whole
relationship benefits greatly. Playtime puts us on our child's level, helping
parents get behind the eyes and into the mind of their child. Take time to
enjoy the simple pleasures of play.
Play is an investment
Consider playtime one of your
best investments. You may feel that you are "wasting time" stacking
blocks when you could be "doing something" instead. Some adults
panic at the thought and really have to struggle to be able to let go of
their grown-up agenda. Of course, you don't have to play all day long, nor
will your child want you to (unless he senses your resistance!). What may
seem like a meaningless activity to you, means a lot to your baby. The more
interest you show in doing things with your baby early on, the more interest
your child will have in doing things with you when he's older. As your child
grows, you can involve him in your play and your work, since being with you
is the best reward. Think of it this way—you are doing the most important job
in the world—raising a human being.
5.
ADDRESS YOUR CHILD BY NAME
What's in a name? The person, the
self—little or big. I can still remember my grandfather impressing on me the
value of using and remembering peoples' names. This lesson has proved
profitable. One year I was a pre-med student competing with a bunch of
marketing majors for a summer sales job. After I landed the job I inquired
why I, though less qualified, had been hired. "Because you remembered
and used the names of all of your interviewers." Addressing your child
by name, especially when accompanied by eye contact and touch, exudes a
"you're special" message. Beginning an interaction by using the
other person's name opens doors, breaks barriers, and even softens corrective
discipline.
Children learn to associate how
you use their name with the message you have and the behavior you expect.
Parents often use a child's nickname or first name only in casual dialogue,
"Jimmy, I like what you are doing." They beef up the message by
using the full name to make a deeper impression, "James Michael Sears,
stop that!" one child we've heard about refers to his whole name as his
"mad name" because that's what he hears when his parents are angry
at him. We have noticed that children with self-confidence more frequently
address their peers and adults by name or title. Their own self-worth allows
them to be more direct in their communication with others. Our two-year-old
Lauren dashes by my desk chirping: "Hi, Dad!" The addition of
"Dad" impressed me more than an impersonal "Hi!" A
school-age child who is comfortable addressing adults by name will be better
able to ask for help when needed.
6.
PRACTICE THE CARRY-OVER PRINCIPLE
As your child gets older,
encourage her talents. She can do well at something, whether as a
two-year-old who packs exceptional pretend picnics or a ten-year- old who
loves ballet. Over the years, we've noticed a phenomenon we call the
carryover principle: enjoying one activity boosts a child's self-image, and
this carries over into other endeavors. One of our sons is a natural athlete,
but he wasn't interested in academics. Operating on the carryover principle,
we encouraged his enjoyment of athletics while supporting him as he worked on
the academics. The schoolwork improved as his overall self-confidence
increased. Recognize your child's special talents, and help her build on
them, then watch the whole person blossom.
7. SET
YOUR CHILD UP TO SUCCEED
Helping your child develop
talents and acquire skills is part of discipline. If you recognize an ability
in your child that he doesn't, encourage him. Strike a balance between
pushing and protecting. Both are necessary. If you don't encourage your child
to try, his skills don't improve, and you've lost a valuable confidence
builder. If you don't protect your child from unrealistic expectations, his
sense of competence is threatened.
Beware of value-by-comparisons
Children measure their own value
by how they perceive others value them. And in our measuring-and-testing
society, children's skills—and therefore their value—are measured relative to
others. Your child may bat an exceptional .400 on the softball team, but she
will feel inadequate if her teammates are batting .500. Be sure your child
believes you value her because of who she is, not how she performs. Do this
by giving her plenty of eye contact, touching, and focused attention. In
other words, give of yourself regardless of how the game or the achievement
test turns out.
Don't expect your child to excel
in sports or music or academics just because you did. The one thing your
child can excel in is being herself. She must know that your love for her
does not depend on your approval of her performance. That's a tough assignment
for a parent who may have been raised to perform for love and acceptance.
WALL OF FAME
In our Sears' family gallery of
accomplishments, our walls display Hayden's cheerleading trophies, Erin's
horse ribbons, Matthew's Little League pictures, etc. Every child is good at
something. Discover it, encourage it, frame it, and display it. If your home
is missing this wall, your child is missing his moment of fame. If you have a
child who is not athletic, try scouting. With Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts everyone
wins and everyone gets lots of badges. As children walk by their showcase,
they can see at a glance five to ten years of achievement. This gives them a
lift, especially during times when their self- worth is faltering.
8.HELP
YOUR CHILD BE HOME-WISE BEFORE STREET-SMARTS
Sometime during your parenting
career you may run into the idea that a young child should be exposed to
children with different values so that he can choose for himself. This may
sound good, or at least politically correct, but it just plain doesn't work.
It's like sending a ship to sea without a rudder or a captain. Only by chance
will that ship reach a desirable destination. Children are too valuable to be
left to chance.
Screen your child's friends
The child's values and
self-concept are affected by persons of significance in his life— relatives,
coaches, teachers, religious leaders, scout leaders, and friends. It's up to
the parents to screen out those who pull down the child's character and
encourage those that build it. Keep a watchful eye on your child's
friendships. First, let your child choose his own friends and monitor the
relationships. At the end of a play experience examine your child's feelings.
Is he at peace or upset? Are the children compatible? Coupling a passive
person with a strong personality is all right if the stronger child pulls
your child up rather than knocking him down.
While some children will wisely
seek out complimentary playmates on their own, sometimes it is helpful to set
up your child by purposely exposing him to appropriate peers. Some groups of
children just naturally seem to get along well. If your child's group does
not seem to have the right chemistry, it would be wise to intervene. By being
a monitoring mom, Martha was able to come to the rescue of one of our
children who was being intimidated and blackmailed into stealing money from
us. This junior racketeer in the neighborhood was busted because Martha
became suspicious of certain phone calls and listened in one day. Our
frightened seven-year-old was in way over his head and was greatly relieved
when we intervened.
Keep a kid-friendly home
Make your home inviting to your
child's friends. Yes, you will have more messes to clean up, but it's worth
it. Hosting the neighborhood helps you monitor your child; it gives you the
opportunity to observe your child's social style and generally learn more
about your child's personality—which social behaviors are appropriate and
which need improving. You'll be able to make on-the-spot disciplinary
interventions, either with your child in a private lesson or in group therapy
if the whole pack needs some redirecting.
The roots of a young child's
self-concept come from home and nurturing caregivers. After six years of age,
peer influence becomes increasingly important. The deeper the roots of
home-grown self-confidence, the better equipped kids are to interact with
peers in a way that builds up self-worth rather than tearing it down. They
know how to handle peers who are fun to play with and those that give them
problems. When children are attachment parented, they are well equipped to
manage different environments (home, grandparents, preschool, Sunday school)
with different rules very well. For healthy social development, a child first
must be comfortable with himself before he can be comfortable with others.
Clinging to homebase
In normal development a child
moves out from the known into the unknown. She tries out new experiences in
much the same way that an attached infant learns to separate from mother. It
is quite normal for a child to retreat periodically into the comfort of the
known (her home and family) as she progressively ventures into the jungle of
the unknown. It is important for the child to have a strong attachment base.
Being shy does not mean that a child has a poor self-image. She needs an
extra dose of confidence so that she can follow her own inner timetable in
adjusting to new situations and relationships. Parents often wonder what
degree of clinging to homebase is normal. Look at the problem over the course
of an entire year. If you see no change in the child's willingness to venture
out, that may be unhealthy. But if you see some gradual moving out, then your
child is simply a cautious social developer, which is characteristic of
sensitive children, who may form a few meaningful and deep relationships,
rather than numerous superficial ones.
9.
Lose labels
"I'm asthmatic,"
seven-year-old Greg proudly said to me when I inquired why he came to my
office. Indeed, Greg did have asthma, but the physical problem was much
easier to treat than the emotional side effects of his label. A few puffs of
a bronchial dilator and his wheezing cleared, but his label persisted. I
mentioned privately to Greg's mother that there are two issues to address in
any child with a chronic illness: the problem itself, and the child's and family's
reactions to the problem.
Every child searches for an
identity and, when found, clings to it like a trademark.
"Asthmatic" had become Greg's label, and he wore it often. His
whole day revolved around his ailment, and his family focused on this part of
Greg instead of on the whole person. Instead of feeling compassion, Greg's
brothers and sisters had become tired of planning their lives around Greg's
asthma. They couldn't go on certain trips because Greg might get too tired.
It became a family illness, and all, except Greg, were put into roles they
didn't like.
To take away Greg's label would
be to take away Greg's self-esteem. So, we made a deal. I would treat Greg's
asthma; the family would enjoy Greg, and we all worked at giving "the
asthmatic" a healthier label to wear.
10.
MONITOR SCHOOL INFLUENCES ON YOUR CHILD
Schools can be hazardous to a
child's emotional health. School choice (if you have one) needs to be
carefully considered. The connected child who enters the school arena with
peers from various upbringings
and degrees of attachment will have a set of expectations that he may not
find at school. Children meet the challenges of a new social group with
different behaviors. If a child is securely attached to his caregivers and
armed with a strong self-image, he may not be disturbed by these different
behaviors. He may stick cheerfully to his own style of play. Or, he may be
frustrated, creating stress on his emerging personality. If his
self-confidence is shaky, a child may view aggressiveness or bullying as
normal and make these behaviors part of himself or allow himself to be
victimized.
Around age six, when your child
begins elementary school, other adults become influential in her life. These
are people who are around your child enough to influence her behavior and
model values. Once upon a time persons of significance in a child's life came
primarily from within the extended family, but in today's mobile society a
child is likely to have a wider variety of peers and persons of significance.
This means that today's parents need to be vigilant as to who is modeling
what behavior to their children. Here is where there is confusion in the
ranks of parents as disciplinarians. There are two extremes. On the one side
are the parents who feel it's healthy for children to experience a lot of
different value systems while growing up so that they will be more
open-minded as adults. On the other side are parents who want to protect
their child from all outside influences and any ideas that may differ from
their own beliefs. This child grows up in a bubble-like atmosphere.
Somewhere between these two
extremes is the right answer for your child. Throwing a child into the
melting pot of diverse values at too young an age, before she has any of her
own values, may produce a child who is so confused that she develops no
conscience and no standing value system. Parents who overprotect may end up
with a child who cannot think for herself, leaving her vulnerable to
challenges or so judgmental that she condemns anyone with different beliefs.
Somewhere in the middle is the parent who grounds the child in a firm value
system and guides her as she encounters other value systems. The child,
because she has a strong value system to begin with, is better able to weigh
her parents' value system against alternatives and develop her own firm code
of values. It may be different from the parents'. It may include many of the
parents' values with a sprinkling of alternatives learned from peers or
teachers. But the important thing is that the child has a value system from
which to operate. He is not a leaf hurried downstream in the river that takes
the path of least resistance, overflows its bounds, and eventually drains
into a large sea of uncertainty. Many children flounder, sometimes for the
rest of their lives, searching for values that should have been formed in
infancy and early childhood.
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Parents,
don't be misled by the complacent term "latent" applied to middle
childhood. This is not the time to sleep and get careless. This is the age in
which your children build consciences and learn your value system. In fact,
it's the only time in their entire life when they unquestionably, at least
early in that stage, accept their parents' value system. Slowly they form their
own standards through interaction with peers, other families, and teachers, and
through neighborhood relationships and church/synagogue friendships. They
discover a larger world with a variety of beliefs and behaviors. As they talk
(endlessly) and observe and experiment in a variety of situations, they learn
about how they will choose to act and react. Trying belatedly to impose your
values on a teenager whose main developmental task at this stage is to identify
his own values is difficult. The best way to get your values across is to
"walk your talk" by living your values.
11. GIVE YOUR CHILD RESPONSIBILITIES
Children
need jobs. One of the main ways children develop self- confidence and
internalize values is through helping maintain the family living area, inside
and out. Giving children household duties helps them feel more valuable,
besides channeling their energy into desirable behavior and teaching skills.
Try these tips:
Enter
the work force early. Beginning around age two, children can do small jobs
around the house. To hold a child's interest, choose tasks the child has
already shown an interest in. Our two-year-old, Lauren, had a thing about
napkins, so we gave her the dinnertime job of putting napkins at each place. A
mother in our practice told us: "I couldn't keep our three-year-old away
from the vacuum cleaner. So I gave him the job of vacuuming the family room. He
kept busy and I got some work out of him." Starting between ages two and
four, a child can learn the concept of responsibility to self and to parents
and for his personal belongings. Once he learns a sense of responsibility for
these things, a sense of responsibility to society will come naturally in the
next stage of development.
By
three years of age, a child can be taught to clean sinks and tubs (using a
sponge and a small can of cleanser). Young children love to scrub. Three's and
Four's love to sort laundry into darks and lights. At five, the child can be
doing dishes every night. Teach him exactly how you want them handled (for
example, excess food in the garbage, dishes rinsed, and then put in the
dishwasher). Be sure to use unbreakable cups and plates and put messy pans in
the oven to be cleaned later by an adult.
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By seven, a child can be cooking
at least one meal a week from start to finish. Teach him how to fix his
favorite meal and let him learn how to pick out the ingredients at the
market. Encourage school-age children to make their own lunch. Besides giving
them a sense of responsibility for their own nutrition, they are more likely to
eat what they make. Once taught, the child can be left alone in the
kitchen—no hovering mother. Relax and talk to your mate.
Give special jobs
Call a job "special"
and it's more likely to get done. Whatever magical ring the word
"special" has, it sure gets results. Perhaps a child infers that
"I must be special because I get a special job." A four-to
five-year-old can have preassigned chores, with reminders, of course. To put
some order in our busy house we announce: "It's tidy time." Try
assigning one room for each child to tidy up. Children at all ages suffer a
bit of work inertia, especially as tasks wear on and lose their fun appeal.
But sometimes children need to learn that work comes before play. To get them
started, work with them.
Create job charts
Make this a creative activity for
a family meeting. List the jobs to be done, and let each child choose and
rotate if they want. We divide jobs into paying, extra- credit jobs they can
earn money for, and nonpaying or those that are naturally expected of the
children for the privilege of living in our home. Expect to pay a higher
price on the most unwanted jobs. Best is to pay immediately after the work is
responsibly done, since children are immediate-reward oriented. In the next
stage of development, from five to ten years, children can make the
connection that with increasing privileges come responsibilities. When we
decided to get a family cottage, the deal was that Saturday mornings would be
family fix-up time at the cottage, and only after the work was completed
would the recreation begin.
Plant a family garden
Planting a garden teaches
children that they reap what they sow. During our family garden phase, when
our children were younger, we tied in caring for a garden and caring for
them: Water the plants and they grow nicely, keep the weeds away and the
flowers bloom better.
Other jobs boys and girls love
and do well when first taught alongside a parent include: washing the car,
sweeping outdoor living areas and sidewalks, gardening, vacuuming, dusting,
and baby tending. By seven or eight they can put in a load of laundry, and by
ten they can be doing their own laundry. When children have jobs in the home,
not only are parents relieved of some of the busywork, but children feel they
are contributing to a cause. They feel useful and needed. And the energy they
spend on the home becomes an investment they are making into the value system
of that home.
12.
ENCOURAGE CHILDREN To EXPRESS, NOT STUFF, THEIR FEELINGS
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Expressing
feelings comfortably does not mean the child is free to explode at every
emotional twinge, but rather develops a comfortable balance between expressing
and controlling feelings. She should eventually be able to keep a lid on her
emotions when needed, but not so tightly that she can't remove the lid in a
"safe" setting, such as
exercising
(i.e., run like mad to blow off steam), or with a trustworthy friend. All babies
freely express their feelings. Maturity develops through years of learning how
to stay calm in difficult situations. A child with unbridled emotions becomes a
brat. A person who never expresses emotions becomes too reserved. Too much
control or too much emoting will both produce problems in adult life.
Stuffing
feelings doesn't do any good for the child, the parents, or the relationship.
It tells the child that you are threatened by her feelings or she gets the
message that you don't care to understand her feelings. The child picks up on
your attitude and learns that expressing or even having feelings is not okay.
The child decides that the feelings that accompany the ups and downs of her
daily life are not worthwhile. In a child's logic, if her feelings are not
worthwhile, she is not worthwhile. If this unfeeling pattern repeats itself
over and over, the child quickly learns both to suppress the feelings and
especially to hide them from her parents.
Even
more devastating than being uncaring is responding to a child's feelings with
anger messages, "I don't want to hear any more bellowing about that stupid
fish!" The fear of parents' reactions to her feelings turns a child into a
feeling stuffer.
on
the positive side, picture what happens when a child feels free to express
herself and a parent accepts her feelings. Consider this example: "Daddy,
the necklace Grandma gave me for my birthday broke." Dad stops what he is
doing and focuses on his child, looking into her eyes and placing his hand
around her shoulder. He says, "I'm sorry. That was such a special necklace."
Both his verbal and his body language convey: "I am available to you; your
feelings are important to me. You are important to me." His reaction frees
the child to tell him more about her feelings and to work through them by talking
to him. Instead of retreating into her shell or erupting into a tantrum, she
has been given a way to express her sorrow. And he has boosted her self-worth
by accepting her feelings, which are a reflection of herself.
DO
YOU OWE YOUR CHILD SELF-ESTEEM?
Parents
may misunderstand the meaning of self-esteem and feel that this is just one
more thing they are required to give their child along with regular meals and a
warm winter jacket. They guard against anything that may undercut self-esteem –
to the point where it becomes ridiculous. ("oh, Billy, you don't really
sing flat. You're just tonally challenged.") They measure self-esteem
daily, as one might take a temperature. ("Julie's self-esteem is low
today. Her big brother beat her at checkers last night.")
Every
infant whose needs are met has self-esteem built in. Like an arborist caring
for a tree, your job is to nurture what's there, do what you can to structure
your child's environment so that she grows strong and straight, and avoid
whittling away at the tender branches. You can't build your child's self-
esteem compliment by compliment, activity by activity. Parents are already
overloaded with guilt because they may not be doing enough to foster their
child's self-worth. You don't need a degree in psychology to raise a confident
child. Much of parenting is easy and fun. Hold your baby a lot, respond
sensitively to her needs, enjoy your baby. Then sit back and enjoy the person
whose self-esteem is developing naturally.
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