"HELPING A TODDLER EASE INTO INDEPENDENCE"

			HELPING A TODDLER EASE INTO INDEPENDENCE The child needs to break from the mother in order to learn about his environment and about himself; the mother needs to let her child go and learn how to maintain their connection over a longer distance. As with so many aspects of discipline, it's a question of balance, giving the child enough slack to become independent, yet keeping the connection. Mother does not let the child go off entirely on his own, nor does she keep him hanging onto her apron strings because of her own fears or need for his continuing dependence. Throughout the second year, parents may feel they are walking a fine line between being overrestrictive and being negligent. One way carries the risk of hindering a baby's development, the other of allowing the baby to hurt himself or others or damage property. Here are some ways of keeping connected while helping your baby separate. Play "out of sight" games. Beginning around nine months or earlier, play peek-a-boo and chase around the furniture. As you hide your face with your hands or you hide your body on the other side of the couch, the baby has the opportunity to imagine that you exist even though you're out of sight. Separate gradually. Best odds for a baby developing a healthy sense of self is for the baby to separate from the mother and not the mother from the baby. Discipline problems are less likely to occur when baby separates from mother gradually. When the baby inside the toddler remains connected, the toddler part of this growing person feels more secure to go off on his own. The connected child takes a bit of mother with him for comfort and advice during his explorations. It's like having the best of both worlds -- oneness, yet separateness. We learned to appreciate this feeling during our family sailing adventures. Because our sailboat was fitted with an electronic homing device that kept us "connected" to a radio control tower on land, we felt secure venturing farther out into the ocean. Connection provides security. The problem with many of the modern theories about discipline is that they focus so much on fostering independence that they lose sight of the necessity for a toddler to continue a healthy dependence. Try to achieve the delicate balance between maintaining the connection and encouraging self-reliance. Take leave properly. Our eighteen-month-old grandson Andrew has very polite parents. Bob and Cheryl are careful to let him know when one of them plans to "disappear" into the next room. Because Andrew is separation- sensitive, he taught them to do this from a very early age. Especially important is saying "Good-bye!," "See-ya," and "Daddy's going to work." Andrew is able to handle even his mother's leave-taking because there have never been any rude surprises. Including your child in your leave-taking helps him know what the score is at any given moment. He can trust his parents to keep him posted. Be a facilitator. Babies will naturally become independent. It is not your job to make them independent but rather to provide a secure environment that allows them to become independent. As your child is struggling for a comfortable independence, you become a facilitator. You are like a battery charger when the little dynamo needs emotional refueling. One moment he is shadowing you, the next moment he is darting away. How much separation can he tolerate and does he need? How much closeness? The child needs to maintain the connection while increasing the distance. Toddlers who behave best are those that find the balance of attaching and exploring as they go from security to novelty. Your job as facilitator is to help the child achieve that balance. That's the partnership you and your toddler negotiate. Substitute voice contact. If your young toddler is playing in another room out of your sight and starts to fuss, instead of immediately dropping what you are doing and rushing to baby's aid, try calling to him instead, "Mama's coming!" Maintaining a dialogue with a toddler outside the shower door has prevented many a separation protest. Shift gears if separation isn't working. Sometimes even a baby who was "easy to leave" suddenly becomes a toddler who is separation-sensitive. If baby isn't taking well to your absences, you might try more creative ways of staying happy yourself that don't involve leaving your baby. What you may perceive as a need to escape may actually be a need for you to give yourself more nurturing. Provide "long-distance" help. Exploring toddlers get stuck in precarious places. The protector instinct in all parents makes us want to rush and rescue the stuck baby. Sometimes it's good to encourage from the sidelines and let the young adventurer get herself out of the mess. While writing this section, I observed two-year-old Lauren trying to negotiate her doll buggy down a short flight of steps. Halfway down the buggy got stuck and Lauren began to protest. Instead of immediately rushing to help her, I offered an encouraging, "Lauren do it." That was all she needed to navigate her buggy down the rest of the steps. Encouraging toddlers to work themselves out of their own dilemmas helps them develop a sense of self-reliance. Watch for signs of separation stress. There are times when toddlers still need to cling, some more than others. On days when your usually fearless explorer won't leave your side, honor his wishes but try to figure out why he is staying so close. Does he feel ill? Have you been distracted or too busy to attend to him? Has he had more separation than he can handle lately? Refuel his connectedness "tank" with some time together, and he'll be off on his own again soon. Have "just being" time. Take time to let your toddler just be with you, on your lap cuddling and talking, if he wants, at various times throughout the day. First thing in the morning is a favorite time for our Lauren to want this, especially if she's slept in her own bed that night, or if I (Martha) got up before her and we miss that snuggle time in bed. If I let her "be" until she calls a halt, she charges herself for a nice long stretch of independent time. It's not always easy for me to sit still long enough to let this happen, yet I'm always glad when I do. Encourage relationships with other significant adults. Grandparents, family friends, a substitute caregiver you use regularly can help your older toddler learn to depend on adults other than his parents. Invite significant others into your child's life so that as he separates from you he learns that he can depend on a variety of people for help. Remember, children's behaviors are more challenging to deal with when they are making the transition from one developmental stage to the next. By easing the transition, you lessen the discipline problems that tag along. BECOMING INTERDEPENDENT Many child-rearing theories teach that a prime parenting goal is to get the child to be independent. This is true, but gaining independence is only part of becoming an emotionally healthy person. A child must pass through three stages: ·                     Dependence: "You do it for me." The infant under one year is totally dependent on his parents. ·                     Independence: "I do it myself." During the second year, the exploring toddler with the encouragement of parents, learns to do many things independent of parents. ·                     Interdependence: "We do it." This is the most mature stage. The child has the drive to accomplish a feat by himself but has the wisdom to ask for help to do it better. For a child to have the best chance of becoming an emotionally healthy person, she should be encouraged to mature through each of these stages gradually. Getting stuck in the dependent stage is as crippling as is being forced out of it too soon. Remaining in the independent stage is frustrating. Maturing into interdependence equips children with the ability to get the most out of others, while asking the most of themselves. Interdependence means the parent and child need each other to bring out the best in each other. Without your child challenging you as he goes through each stage, you wouldn't develop the skills necessary to parent him. Here's where the connected pair shines. They help each other be the best for each other. Learning interdependence prepares a child for life, especially for relationships and work. In fact, management consultants teach the concept of interdependence to increase productivity. The ability to know when to seek help and how to get it is a valuable social skill that even a two-year-old can learn: "I can do it myself, but I can do it better with help." Throughout all stages of development a child goes from being solitary to being social, from wanting to be independent to wanting to be included. In fact, going back and forth from oneness to separateness is a lifelong social pattern among interdependent people. You want your child to be comfortable being alone and with other people, and which state predominates depends on the child's temperament. Interdependence balances children who are predominantly either leaders or followers. The independent individualist may be so tied up in himself that he misses what the crowd has to offer. The dependent child is so busy following the crowd that he never gets a chance to develop leadership. Learning to be interdependent ties in with the child learning to be responsible. When children get used to seeking help from other persons, they naturally learn to consider the effects of their behavior on others. Truly happy and healthy persons are neither dependent nor independent; they are interdependent. HELPING YOUR CHILD PLAY ALONE Part of self-discipline is the ability to enjoy playing alone. Before eighteen months of age, a baby will do this only in short spurts and will be eagerly checking in with mother frequently, either physically come to her or finding her with his eyes. Attachment-parented babies may prefer to be in touch with mother almost constantly, and this is healthy. It seems as though allowing the baby to have his fill of mother's presence as an infant and young toddler prepares him for time on his own. He will know how to manage himself and won't need to be entertained as much as the baby who is not well connected. The time between the ages of fourteen and eighteen months is very hard for mothers. The high-energy toddler wants to do everything, but he still needs mother involved "big time." Mothers of one-year-olds need to gear up for this marathon spurt of giving, because the tendency is to think "Ah, now he's one – I'll be able to ease off." You will eventually, but not yet. Hang in there through age eighteen months, then be alert for signs that your toddler is trying to make space between you. Some mothers might tend to hover and smother and continue to hang on, but remember, the one-and-a-half-to-two-year-old needs to become his own person. You will see these efforts more and more. At first you won't believe your eyes. Your toddler will do what he sees you doing. She will tend doll babies, get out pots and pans, want to play at the sink, dig in the dirt with spoons. You name it – the possibilities are endless. She'll want you to pretend with her a bit. It's fun to be a dog or a lion, but she really only needs you to get her started. Pretend tea parties or picnics where you gobble up everything she hands you don't require much involvement from you. By age three, a child's imagination and creativity will allow him to be able to have fun with anything. Keep toys simple and basic – building blocks, balls, dolls and blankets, cars and trucks (no batteries, please). A four-year-old alone in a room with nothing to play with will figure out how to use shoes and socks as cars and people or as cradles and dolls. By the time your child is six, you will have reached what one psychologist we talked to calls "planned detachment." Your child will check in for breakfast, be out the door, check in for lunch, and be gone again. You'll say "You're looking well, dear," you'll write a note to remind him of chores, and finally at dinner you'll get to talk some. After dinner some card playing, singing, or other family-oriented activity reconnects you with the individual who used to stick to you like Velcro.

Humanity, Science, and Globalization

Humanity, Science, and Globalization

Last Updated on Thursday, 08 February 2007 11:07 by Fethullah Gülen Tuesday, 31 December 2002 21:00

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Existence, which exists solely for humanity, was created in order to bear fruit for all people. Earth was decorated for humanity, just as the sky serves as a dome and the sun as a torch to light up this world. All of creation, except for humanity, fulfills its functions perfectly, and all realms beyond humanity's reach depict an absolute serenity, peace, and joy. A sense of serenity overrides the ceaseless motion despite the countless objects in space, and no disorder or confusion can be seen among them. Even though humanity has been given emotions, a mind, and a conscience, people are still capable of causing discord in the midst of this universal peace and harmony. Since humanity bears the consequences of its destructive impact more than any other species, all people should join this harmony with their will power, discover the underlying reasons behind this peace and serenity, and act accordingly.

Yes, we are responsible for fulfilling the duties of being human. If, as believers, we trust that we are on the right path and perform our tasks accordingly, there is no need to worry. Since a life dedicated to faith, worship, and serving humanity is exempt from material and status gain, these duties cannot be affected by conflict and political confrontation.

In fact, people may have different thoughts and behaviors due their human nature. But the responsibilities of being God's servant keep them from going astray. Since the path and its requirements are determined, the goal is known: to observe everything as a sign of Divine Wisdom, search for the Divine reasons behind events, and draw lessons from them. Just as physics, chemistry, astronomy, astrophysics, and biology-all titles of God's creation in the universe-have laws, history also has laws. God has made these laws known to us through His Prophets and Books. Thus, every event is a message from Him, a light on our path, a source of excitement in our hearts.

Negative Consequences of Technological Advancement

Since the Renaissance, humanity has designed amazing innovations in science and technology. Especially in our age, information technology and transportation have advanced to incomprehensible speeds. This is an age of speed. For some, the time between happiness/comfort and thought/action decreases as distances shrink. They reach the targets promptly or are unexpectedly prevented from doing so. Perhaps in the future we will confront a world in which events occur too quickly. We cannot comprehend the advantages and disadvantages of such a world, and for now they are topics for science fiction movies and books. Yet we have to admit that such possibilities make us shiver, even though we have total trust in God and His justice.

Science and Technology

We must praise scientific research, the wonders of civilization, and the outcomes of technological innovation. However, could speed and globalization, the product of so much effort and intellectual striving, be made to serve a higher goal? Could time and space, as they are squeezed more and more everyday, serve a loftier purpose? Or have they become ends and goals in and of themselves, serving the material betterment of the patent-holders? If finding out the most secret things and knowing about every single town in the world has priority over our moral values and needs, would not a world without these advancements, but one in which people would be far happier, be more desirable?

Although science and technology have never been humanity's first need, it is wrong to reject them in favor of some idealistic philosophies. At most, doing so would be a utopian rejection. What is important here is who controls science and technology and what goals they are serving. In the hands of a few irresponsible individuals, science might make the world into a hell, whereas no one has ever been hurt from a gun in the hands of an angel. Science and technology are desirable as long as they serve human values, bring peace and happiness, contribute to international harmony, and help solve humanity's material and spiritual problems. If they move away from these goals and serve the interests of a few people, the world is better off without them.

Science and technology have to be evaluated from this perspective. What is science serving in our day? Relations between individuals and states, mutual respect, love, truth, and understanding; deception, corruption, slander, seeking others' faults, and invading one's privacy; or capital and the powerful?

If science and technology serve negative values, they will cause a global nightmare. If globalization is based on these values, than one-fourth of the world's population will continue to lack drinkable water, the spread of AIDS will increase, health services will become an industrial sector, and global pollution will worsen. A significant part of the world's population will continue to be deprived of democratic rights, and widespread terrorism will prevail.

Fundamentals of Social Life

The fundamentals of social life consist of four aspects: religion, law, moral values, and power.

Religion: A person or a society without a religion cannot survive long or benefit others. Essentially, religion is a phenomenon that is determined independent of us and has been made part of our lives. Therefore, it is a crucial element that provides for our material and spiritual needs and shapes our personal and family lives.

Even if we were perfect, uncontrollable elements would still shape our lives. For instance, the time and place of our birth and death are determined. We have no say in choosing our parents and siblings, place of birth and childhood, language, race, and physical features. Our body functions without our will, for we cannot control even our becoming hungry, thirsty or sleepy. We do not determine our essential needs and the way to acquire them. Our input in such daily functions as eating and drinking consists only of working to obtain and then eat the food. Regardless of what we wish, we are surrounded by binding conditions.

Laws: Religion also has an important role in determining the laws that shape our lives. Since laws are not goals in themselves, they are valuable only to the extent that they serve individuals and society. In order to have a healthy society, therefore, laws should not contradict nature and the laws of creation. They also should take into consideration the nation's religion, history, sociology, anthropology, as well as the natural laws of physics and chemistry, for law is not an independent science but one that encompasses everything. If this were not the case, the laws would not match the nation's essentials and therefore would be more detrimental than beneficial.

When drafting laws, it is crucial to know humanity perfectly, consider people's fundamental nature, understand their needs and search for ways to meet them, and to analyze interpersonal relations and society-member dynamics. While power has a role to play in law enforcement, religion's role is also significant. Religion is defined as having faith in the existence of a Supreme Being who is constantly aware of our actions, intentions, and thoughts. Thus, religion teaches us that even if we manage to bypass the law and escape punishment in this life, we will be called to account for all of our acts in the afterlife.

Moral values: Religion and the moral values that construct its basis have been universally accepted throughout history and are independent of time and place. The impact of moral values on an individual depends upon one's religious beliefs and how they are lived. In addition, they play a significant role in educating people, enforcing the law, and obtaining the desired effects. The possible argument that religion and moral values have no place in developed societies is mistaken, for people in many developed countries are highly dedicated to their religions.

Despite the more than 200 years of corruption in religious values worldwide, people are once again turning toward religion. In many developed countries, leaders are religious even though the population might be ignorant of religious values. Even though these countries are secular, there has never been an attempt to take advantage of religion for individual or social life or to control it. Furthermore, religion has a say in domestic and foreign policies. For example, we can see religion's influence upon their criminal codes.

Even Western historians state that Christianity is the most important element in shaping the West's modern social structure. According to them, Christianity has always played a crucial role in determining laws, religious holidays, public prayers, and many other aspects of social and political life.

Power: This is a very important aspect of social life, for laws cannot be enforced, and internal and external security cannot be established, without it. But power is not-and should not be-a goal in itself. It is valuable only as long as it serves the law, justice, and righteousness.

Humanity still faces a long-standing problem: What to do when individuality overrides all values, racism overpowers universal principles, and settling international disputes is decided by power. We cannot talk about rationality and justice when problems are addressed only with sheer power. Power is a potential strength that might help solve some problems if used rationally. If power is driven by emotions, it is a harmful instrument. What made Alexander the Great feel dizzy, destroyed Napoleon's genius, and made Hitler such a monster was the insanity of replacing justice with power. It seems that our present troubles will continue until the powerful decide to adhere to justice and the people will judge with justice while moving beyond their daily concerns.

The Fountain, January-March 2003, Issue 41

"Encouraging Thoughts of Children"

Encouraging Thoughts of Children

          

Encouragement means to stimulate initiative and positive actions. Teachers, counselors, and parents are asked to encourage children to do their best by acknowledging their efforts and strengths. However, when children do not feel good about themselves or their situation, they need to be reminded of ways they can encourage themselves and each other.  Ask your students for examples of thoughts that help them feel better when they are unhappy. Explain that helpful thoughts are called positive "self-talk" and that adults often use this as a way to cope with their problems. List the children's ideas on the board. 

Some examples are:

1.            1. I am a good person no matter what anyone does or says.

2.   It is okay to make mistakes because everyone does.
3.   I do not give up; I keep trying.
4.   I think about what is good in my life.
5.   Everyone feels good and bad, now and then.
6.   I can do it!
7.   Money cannot buy happiness.
8.   How I act is more important than how I look.
9.   I am lovable.
10.   When I smile, I feel better.
11.   I can do many things well.
12.   I cannot control what grown-ups do.
13.   I am unique, one of a kind.
14.   When I feel sad, I think of things I like about myself.
15.   Each new day brings a chance to do better.
16.   I think about my choices and then choose what is best for me.
17.   I will change what I can and accept what I cannot change.
18.   I treat others the way I want to be treated.
19.   I cannot change my family; I can only change myself.
20.   What I learn today will help me in the future.

After making an extensive list, have the children choose a sentence that is meaningful to them. Ask the students to make a picture or poster featuring their saying complete with illustrations. Have them prominently sign their creation. Then divide into small groups or pairs and have the children discuss their work. Caution the students to be respectful of each other's ideas. Display the results in the classroom or in the hall to challenge ALL children to use positive "self-talk" that will encourage them to do their best.